I'll remember our sadness, I'll remember the hugs and kisses we shared.
I'll remember our love, I'll remember my love for you.
I'll remember the pain and suffering I went through for you.
Finally, I don't believe in love anymore. (:
Let my final act of love be letting you go, because it makes you happier.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011 @ 8/31/2011 08:42:00 PM
Dear sweetheart, I hope you’ll reading this particular post.
I know that things have been really bad for us, and we’re currently stuck in a bad situation.
I wish you’d talk to me about the problems you’re facing.
I want you to know how much I care for you.
No matter how you try to push me away, I’ll still be here for you always.
I have been wondering what has happened to us, and it really breaks my heart.
A relationship coming close to 3 years, yet it seems to disappear without leaving a trace.
What I really hope, is that you’d stay by me no matter how hard it may be.
Look at it, we have gone through so many ups and downs.
Isn’t this just another obstacle we’re going to face together?
I wish I don’t have to face it alone.
All I ever wanted is the both of us to be happy together.
Baby, I have accepted every part of you, including your flaws.
Why won’t you?
Don’t this relationship mean anything to you anymore?
Don’t I matter to you anymore?
I just hope you will come back to me, because you’re so important.
Please do know that I love you, always.
Even if you don’t believe in ‘forever’, but what I know, you’re the girl I want to be with, the girl I’m willing to love for the rest of my life.
Is it the same for you, baby? I really hope so.
Words are all useless when it comes to convincing you.
I don't even know how I really feel now.
I hope that you still care for me, and I want to know if you really do.
Then at the same time, I don't want to find out if you really do, because it really crushes my hopes if your answer is a no.
I hope that you still remember me, and all our memories, and I want to know.
But again, I'm scared of the answer.
People keep saying even if I get back with you, it won't be the same.
Of course it won't be the same, it'll be even better.
I think about you everyday, every second, every minute and every hour.
"I'm okay", isn't that what I'm supposed to say?
But it's okay, I'll just hide my pain behind my smile.
Just like I always had.
I'm afraid that I might never talk to you again and I won't feel the same about anyone the way I feel when I'm with you.
I'm afraid that you'll find someone else and feel different for some other girl, and I'll just be an old school memory.
Do you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I don't have any feelings or emotions?
I'm not in a good mood, or a bad mood.
I just sit there, by myself and think.
I overthink sometimes.
I think about what has happened, what will happen, and what could have happened.
I think about you, I think about what's wrong in my life, I think about how I can get myself out of this stage, I think about why I got here in the first place. I think about everything, and anything.
Silence is a girl's loudest cry.
When she starts ignoring you, it's when she really is hurting.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011 @ 8/30/2011 07:27:00 AM
Pulled up my courage.
Did what my heart told me to do.
I was afraid, yes, but I was more afraid of being too late.
I remember all those times that I was being silly.
I made you laugh until you cried tears of laughter.
I remember all those times that I was being unreasonable.
I made you sad until you cried tears of pain.
I remember all those times we argued and quarreled.
But it would be fine the next day.
I remember those times when I used to brush your hair with my fingers.
I remember those times I would try to smell your head whenever I could.
I remember those times I held your little hands when they were cold.
I remember those times I laughed at you when you did something funny.
I remember those times you hit me as I laughed at you.
I remember those times we both silently smiled to each other without saying a word.
I remember those times we were happy together without everything.
I remember those times when just having each others' company was enough to get through a day.
Even though there were times when we were really in pain, just by being together.
We knew that as long as we continued to stay together, we would still be happy in the end.
Things would change for the better.
A fairy tale, you love me and I love you.
We made our vows of love.
To get married.
Buy a house of our own.
Clean the house together every saturday.
I would scream at you because you were dirty.
We'd get a car, and I'd drive you to work everyday.
I would get you flowers because I didn't get a chance to give you when we were teenagers.
We'd hug each other to sleep every night, and you would be the last thing I see when I go to sleep, and I would be the last thing you see when you go to sleep.
We'd hug each other til' we wake up every morning, and you would be the first thing I see when I wake up, and I would be the first thing you see when you wake up.
I would make breakfast for you, without bread, because you loved breakfast and hated bread.
I would make scrambled eggs for you with sausages.
All of these were what we promised.
I hold true to them, and I want them to happen.
I don't want them to remain as a dream.
Even just remembering these memories, I would smile.
Smile, then it turns to tears, because I don't know if I'm the only one holding these promises.
Tears because I don't know if you will still come back to me.
Someone came by, and snatched you from my grasp.
He isn't someone good.
Was it because he is richer?
Was it because he looked better?
Was it because he was skinnier?
Was it because you couldn't be proud of me?
Was it because you thought I was an embarrassment?
He isn't true to you.
He is just playing around with you.
Why don't you understand?
Why do I still hope so much, when the false hope I had was crushed to smithereens just yesterday.
I was still hoping you still cared.
I was still hoping for everything.
2 words from you, destroyed all the hope that got me past these few days.
But, no matter.
I still have more hope, even if it ends up with me getting hurt even more.
I don't know why myself, why I still love you despite the pain I'm going through.
You were my everything, and my only love.
Even after all you've done to me, I still can't bring myself to hate you.
I thought ours was a fairy tale.
Just you love me, and I love you, overcoming obstacles, and living happily ever after.
Remember that time when I told you if I had a terminal disease and a few more days to live, I wouldn't tell you. I would disappear from your life quietly, because I felt that hate was easier to let go. You would find someone better than me.
You cried and said that I was "stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!"
You told me that you would rather spend the last few days with me in happiness.
You told me you wanted to walk with me to the end.
That time, was the first time I cried in 10 years.
I felt loved for the first time.
I felt that my existence was acknowledged and appreciated for the first time.
But that's all just memories that I love.
Memories that I love, that comes back to hit me much harder.
Worse thing of all?
That you're not here to tell me "it's okay".
I said and promised that I would wait.
So I will.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Monday, August 29, 2011 @ 8/29/2011 09:44:00 PM
Argued with my mom for the past few days.
Early in the morning, and late at night.
I was getting scolded for all sorts of reason.
Remembered that you used to cheer me up and make me smile when I had family problems.
Now, I'm all on my own.
I wished I wasn't born because my mother blames all her sickness and physical problems on me.
She always says that it's my fault that she has thyroid.
She always says that it's because she gave birth to me that she has a weak body.
I felt so.. I can't even think of a word to describe it. Unwanted? Hated? I don't know.
I feel so lonely at home.
I feel left out at home.
It's as if I don't exist.
Went out to KTV today, and I sang my heart out.
How strange that every song seemed to scream out my emotions.
Seemed to scream out our past.
Seemed to scream out our memories.
Seemed to scream out my love for you.
I had always wanted to go KTV with you.
Just that, that one time you asked, I rejected.
I was afraid I would embarrass you, because I sucked at singing.
I spent a lot of time training to sing, so that during the holidays I could go and sing with you and your friends.
I wouldn't embarrass you in front of your friends.
I wanted you to be proud of me.
I don't think I will get the chance to show you my effort anymore.
Went to Wei Keong's house to celebrate his early birthday, which falls tomorrow.
Ate chili crab, and it reminded me of last year when we went to his house to eat chili crab and play mahjong.
It was your first time playing mahjong and you were having soooo much fun, even though you couldn't really play skilfully.
We had cheese cake after, but you didn't want it, so I ate it for you.
I was so happy then.
I remember that I sent you home after, and I hugged you before you went home.
I was wishing you were with us the whole time we were eating chili crab.
They asked me to invite you too, because you were part of click clique.
Gave them an excuse that you were busy with prelims.
They were disappointed, but I didn't tell them because I still don't accept that we are over.
In my heart, we are still us.
I almost got hit by a large car at the T-junction when it went up the curb.
I saw my life flash past me.
I felt depressed instantly.
Even though I was wishing to die these days, when it really came to the real deal.
I was scared.
I didn't want to die.
I wanted to see you, I wanted to hear you laugh, I wanted to see you laugh until you cried.
I wasn't ready to leave all my problems and die.
I haven't given up.
Even if it's just a small glimmer of hope, I want it.
I need you back.
It has been 11 days without you.
It seemed like a month.
I love you.
I miss you.
Sunday, August 28, 2011 @ 8/28/2011 11:46:00 PM
I didn't mean it.
Anger clouded my judgement.
I regretted my actions and deleted it when I realised that I was just being stupid.
You're probably angry at me.
What am I going to do?
I'm so damn stupid.
I only know how to make you unhappy.
I'm so useless.
Damn it damn it damn it DAMN IT.
Shit. I hate myself.
@ 8/28/2011 01:21:00 PM
You said we could be friends.
I don't see how anything like this is called being friends.
You don't reply to my messages.
I know that I'm annoying, but what can I do?
Just a simple okay, or even a "k" would suffice.
I miss you so much, yet I don't even know how you feel about me.
I'm split between thinking that you still love me and you hating me.
What must I do or think to find out whether you still think of me.
This feeling sucks.
I feel like I know the truth, but I'm denying it.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I wanted to be able to protect you and cheer you up when you're sad.
I'm in so much pain now.
My back, my chest, my lungs.
You used to care so much, just a little pain would cause you to fluster.
Now, it seems like it doesn't matter anymore.
I'm lonely now.
So much pain.
I wish I could just die.
Saturday, August 27, 2011 @ 8/27/2011 10:52:00 PM
Growing up and maturing is two different things.
People love to grow up, but hate to mature.
It's because maturity brings with it the need to be tolerating, hypocritical and the need to act with restraint.
Growing up is just a feeling.
You don't fight for something if you don't have it.
If you know something won't be yours forever, you feel that it's okay that it won't be yours forever.
If someone asks you to hold onto something, you hold on.
If you don't get something, and you can't snatch or steal, you just forget about it.
Yet, being mature, one would go through all the trouble, make up a hundred thousand plans to fight and get what he wants and love. Hiding the pain.
I'm not the same person I was.
Now I want to show you that I'm matured enough for you.
@ 8/27/2011 02:50:00 PM
Love often strikes an Aquarius and a Leo like a bolt out of the blue.
You gravitate towards each other like magnets with opposing charges.
My resolution is set.
I need her back.
I will get her back.
I will fight for her to the bitter end.
Strengthen your resolve, Phil.
You can do it.
Strengthen your mind.
Remember the love you had for her.
Feel the love you have for her.
Think of the future you want.
You want to marry her right?
And you'll be the Dad, and she'll be the Mom.
We'll get 4 pets and have 2 children.
It's the present and future that counts.
For her sake, stay strong.
For her sake, stop hurting yourself.
For her sake, don't give up.
You can do it, Phil, I know you can.
@ 8/27/2011 12:01:00 AM
I will wait for you until you've stopped hating me.
I will wait for you until you are okay with talking to me.
I will wait for you until you are stressed free.
I will wait for you until after your O levels.
I will woo you back after your O levels.
I will give you all the love you deserve that I owe.
I will get you back.
I will wait.
If it fails, then I guess I don't know what to do.
I'll do my best, but if my best is not good enough for you, I might just die.
2 months. It's a count down to another life changing decision.
I hope you won't forget me in 2 months.
I hope you will still love me in 2 months.
I hope you won't love someone else in 2 months.
I hope you will come back to me in 2 months/
I miss you.
I just want to hear your voice.
I love you.
Friday, August 26, 2011 @ 8/26/2011 05:37:00 AM
I'm tired of crying my eyes out.
I'm tired of shivering in fear and convulsing in pain.
I've been dreaming of us being together.
Happy, either like nothing has happened before.
Or happy, that you have already forgiven me and still love me.
I'm really going to go crazy in time.
I can't take it.
I was so happy in the dream, when I woke up on the middle to a date with you,
I broke down. I woke up to a shitty world without you beside me anymore.
I broke down yesterday because I dreamt about you 3 times too.
I will break down tomorrow, because I will dream about you again.
I can't take it anymore.
My heart is already clenching so tightly, I find it so hard to breathe.
I really want to die.
If I die, I might be able to dream a perfect dream, one that will never end at all.
You and me, together.
You and me, smiling, loving and doing everything til' the world ends.
I don't want to go back to sleep.
I'm afraid of dreaming of you again.
Dream and get my hopes up, and wake up and drag me back down to hell.
God damn it.
I can't move on.
I can't go on.
I need you.
What have I done wrong to deserve this?
Why did I have to be so stupid?
Why did I hurt you?
Why did I cause you to leave me.
I can't go on.
I really, really can't.
Despite people telling me not to, I can't.
Sleeping is a torture, dreaming is a torture, waking up is a torture.
It all seems so unreal, because just a week and a half ago.
I was happy to sleep, because I slept with you by my side.
I was happy to dream, because my dream reflected my reality.
I was happy to wake up, because I woke up to you.
Now that everything's gone.
I don't want to wake up anymore.
I don't know how much longer can I go on.
I'm irritating you with my smses.
I can't help but care for you.
My phone hasn't rung in seemingly years.
Every time I receive a message, I wish, hope and pray hard it's you.
Yet at the same time, I don't know if I can take what you might say to me.
Now I understand how you felt when I stung you with my words.
They hurt so damn crazy, that you just want to die.
I wish I could be stuck in a coma and dream.
Dream of a perfect us.
I can't... go on anymore.
Welcome to my humble haven.
My Short Stories
Phil ; Yuuki Life is but a disease all of us are afflicted with
It's all past me