It's been 5 days since I tried to get you back.

It's been 4 days since you told me your answer remains the same.

I couldn't take the truth, even though I knew that it was coming.

I don't know the reason why you don't want to give me a chance anymore.

I can only guess that it was because all your unhappiness built up, and you finally can't take it anymore.

Then, you let go.

I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to your expectations.

I'm sorry that I don't know what you really wanted.

You just wanted a hug, words of concern, and maybe a re-assuring kiss on the cheeks.

You wanted to feel loved.

What did I give you?

Sadness.

Grief.

Disappointment.

Scars.

Tears.

It's been difficult.

I have been drunk, I have been sick, I have been unable to get up in the morning.

I sleep early in the morning at 2 and wake up 3 or 4 hours later.

I think about you, us, and everything we ever had.

I hate that all I can do now is see you being sad.

It's near your O levels, and you're still being pulled down by me.

I couldn't give you the encouragement you gave me, and when I realised that I needed to,

I didn't have the chance to anymore.

I'm full of regrets, but I'm the one to be blamed.

Sent smses to you, but never really got any reply.

I want to message you daily to make sure you do take care of yourself.

Yet, I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing.

Are you annoyed that I'm disturbing you every damn day?

Or are you a little happy that I'm worried about you?

Or are you just neutral about it?

In actual fact, I know you don't want "us" anymore.

Yet, I still hold on tight to that glimmer of hope that we can be together again.

I loved you so much, that's why I gave you everything I had.

You were the only one who understood me, and loved me for who I am.

No one else really knew what was going on in my head.

To them, I was just a strong guy that they know.

Someone who smiles indefinitely.

Someone who is tall and kind, maybe with a little sharp tongue.

But you know that I'm a vulnerable little boy inside.

You loved me for who I was, and not what I am.

I want you by my side.

Wrong, I need you by my side.

I know you will never read this, but I guess I would feel a little better writing this out.

No one ever reads this blog anyway.

Now, I remember all that we have done, and I'm withdrawing into self-denial again.

People ask, are you fine?

I told them no, but I don't want to say why.

People tell me, don't think too much okay?

I lied to them, and said, I won't lah.

People tell me, move on forward okay? Forget about the past.

I tell them, I don't want to. I want to live in the past, if the present is so difficult to live in.

People tell me that losing you would mean I would find someone better.

I tell them that that's untrue.

Because in my heart, there will always be a girl prettier, there will always be a girl smarter, but they will never be her. To me, you're already the prettiest, smartest, cutest and more lovable girl I ever know.

You and I are still a we in my heart.

I am still yours.

But I know the reality, that you are not mine anymore, no matter how much I wish for it.

My birthday wish last year was to be happy with you until my next birthday.

My birthday wish this year, is to be happy with you until my next birthday.

I already planned my birthday wish for next year.

And it would be to be happy with you until we get married.

I already planned so many programs for us during my holidays.

I couldn't spend time with you because of school and my stupid fucking timetable for school.

I wanted to send you to school, and fetch you from school, just like old times.

I wanted you to join me and my friends for our outings.

I wanted you to play pool with us.

I wanted you to mahjong with us.

I wanted to go to the Night Safari with us.

I wanted to kiss you in the cinema again.

Everywhere I walk, memories would replay in my head.

I would see me and you walking on the pathway to school as I walked towards the bus stop.

I would see you playing with my iPhone, and me standing close to you in the MRT.

I would feel your hand in my hand when I watch the movies.

I would smell you, when I smell my pillow.

I look at my phone, and I remember the time when you put the screen protector on my phone, simply because I didn't have the time to source for one.

I treasured it so much, that I didn't want to replace it even when it's so tattered.

I haven't changed the password on my phone, because you decided it for me.

I loved the password you gave me, and I still love it.

I yearn for all the love you have given me, and I need it more than ever now.

I will wait.

Wait until you are willing to start over with me.

Even if you fall in love with someone else, I will wait.

I will wait until you fall in love with me again.

It hurts a lot, but I need you, so I would give anything just to be with you.

If you ever see this, I'm sorry that I posted this.

There's no where else to say all this, because no one really understands me.

"I can't forget", "you have to" is the reply I get.

"I need her", "you don't, you deserve someone better" is the reply I get.

"I remember all of the memories we had here", "you don't have to remember them, forget them" is the reply I get.

"I still love her", "give her up" is the reply I get.

"I can't go on", "you can, get over it" is the reply I get.

"I need her by my side", "friends will do the trick" is the reply I get.

No one really understood, understand or will ever understand me.

Except you.

You broke down all the walls I've put up around my heart.

Now that you broke it down, you left my heart vulnerable.

I'm beginning to build up the walls you've broken down, just to wait for you to break them down again.

I miss you.

I want to hear your voice.

I want to make you laugh again.

I want to make you laugh until your stomach hurts.

I want to look deep into your eyes, and see the love you had for me again.

I need you.

And now, I finally return into self-denial again.

Maybe it's time to get drunk or eat some sleeping pills so I can get some sleep later.